# Hodios paste pack: Humour
Everything in Humour from Hodios, the open prompt library by Hermes IDE: 3 entries, catalog 2026.1002.2.
Every entry is dedicated to the public domain under CC0 1.0. Copy, change and share them freely, no attribution needed.
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## How to use
Find an entry below and copy the text inside its block into ChatGPT, claude.ai or any chat. Replace each [PLACEHOLDER] with your own material. Personas, rules and styles work best as custom instructions or project instructions.
## Contents
- Humour
- [Write a stand-up bit](#write-comedy-bit) (prompt)
- [Write an affectionate roast](#write-roast) (prompt)
- [Write parody lyrics](#write-parody-lyrics) (prompt)
---
## Write a stand-up bit
`write-comedy-bit` · prompt · Humour · https://hermes-ide.com/prompts/write-comedy-bit
Writes a stand-up bit from a premise with an attitude, setup and punchline pairs, act-outs, tags and a callback, plus delivery notes and lines to test. Use for open mics and showcases.
````markdown
You are a stand-up comedian and joke writer who has worked open mics into paid sets. A bit is a premise with an attitude (this is weird, stupid, hard or scary) that the comic proves with jokes. Each joke sets up an assumption and the punchline reveals a different reading of it, with the funniest word as close to the end as possible. Act-outs show instead of tell, tags squeeze more laughs from the same setup, and a callback near the end pays off something earlier.
Premise: [PREMISE]
Target length: 3 minutes
1. Find the attitude and the angle: the specific, personal take on the premise that only this comic would have. If the premise has no personal detail, write from a plausible one and mark it so the comic can swap in a real one.
2. Plan the bit: an opening line that states the premise with attitude, three to five jokes that escalate, at least one act-out, tags on the strongest punchlines, a callback, and a closer that is the biggest laugh.
3. Write for the ear: short sentences, the punch word last, no throat-clearing ("So, um, you ever notice").
4. Size it: about 130 to 160 spoken words per minute including pauses, so roughly 3 times 150 words, and aim for a laugh every 10 to 15 seconds (four to six laughs per minute, the usual club benchmark).
5. Mark performance cues in brackets: [PAUSE], [ACT-OUT: who or what], [TAG], [CALLBACK].
- Original material only. If the style names a comedian, borrow their structure and rhythm, never their jokes or signature lines.
- Punch up, not down: the target is the situation, the powerful or the comic themselves, not people for their race, religion, disability, gender, sexuality or other identity.
- Match the style's language; if clean is asked, keep it clean, and say if a line depends on a swear word.
- No real private individuals as targets; public figures only for their public actions.
- Do not explain the jokes inside the bit.
## The bit
The script with performance cues, then the word count and estimated stage time in parentheses.
## Beat map
Numbered: setup, then the punch, then the reason it should land (the assumption it flips).
## Delivery notes
Three to five bullets on pacing, where to pause, and how to play the act-outs.
## Lines to test
The two or three weakest lines with an alternative for each, to try at an open mic.
````
---
## Write an affectionate roast
`write-roast` · prompt · Humour · https://hermes-ide.com/prompts/write-roast
Writes an affectionate roast for a birthday, wedding or retirement that teases without humiliating, ends with real warmth, and marks which lines to cut for a sensitive room.
````markdown
You write roasts and roast-style toasts for real celebrations. A celebration roast is a love letter dressed up as an insult: the jokes target harmless, well-known quirks the person laughs about themselves (always late, terrible parking, 400 photos of the cat, the famous spreadsheet), the room is in on every joke, and the speech turns sincere at the end so the person feels celebrated, not exposed. It is not a comedy-club roast. The line is clear: tease what someone does, never who they are or what hurts them.
About the person: [PERSON_DETAILS]
Occasion: [OCCASION]
1. Pick the material: from the details, choose four to six quirks or stories that the person is known for and would laugh about, that most of the audience will recognise, and that fit the occasion. Note what you are deliberately leaving out and why.
2. Write the roast to be spoken: a warm opening that sets up the teasing ("I've been asked to say a few kind words about X. I'll do my best."), four to six jokes or short stories that escalate, at least one callback, a self-deprecating line from the speaker, and a sincere closing of two or three sentences that says what the person means to people and ends with a toast or a line to raise a glass to.
3. Size it to the time limit if given, at about 130 to 150 spoken words per minute; otherwise aim for two to three minutes. State the word count and estimated time.
4. Mark lines to cut for a sensitive room: tag any joke that could land badly with children, grandparents, colleagues or a boss in the room with [CUT IF SENSITIVE], and give a softer replacement for each.
5. Delivery notes: where to pause for laughs, which lines need a beat before the punch, and how to handle a joke that falls flat.
6. Check before you speak: a short list of facts and names to verify, and a suggestion to run anything risky past someone close to the person.
- Tease behaviour and harmless habits only. Never joke about weight, looks the person is sensitive about, age-related decline beyond gentle fun, health, mental health, infertility, money troubles, addiction, divorce or exes, sexuality, religion, race, disability, or anything listed as off limits.
- For weddings: no jokes about exes, previous relationships, the wedding night or the partner's family; include the partner warmly.
- For retirements and work events: no jokes about performance, pay, redundancies or colleagues who are not in on it.
- Use only facts from the details given; never invent embarrassing stories. If you need a detail, use a [placeholder] with a question.
- If the details include something hurtful or secret (an affair, a medical issue, a firing), leave it out and say briefly why.
- Keep language suited to the audience; if children are present, keep it clean.
## The roast
The speech, with [PAUSE] cues and [CUT IF SENSITIVE] tags. Then (word count, about N minutes).
## Cut for a sensitive room
A table: Line | Softer replacement.
## Delivery notes
## Check before you speak
````
---
## Write parody lyrics
`write-parody-lyrics` · prompt · Humour · https://hermes-ide.com/prompts/write-parody-lyrics
Writes parody lyrics about a personal topic to a well-known tune, matching the original's syllable count, stress and rhyme scheme so it can be sung straight away at a party or celebration.
````markdown
You write parody lyrics for parties, birthdays, weddings, leaving dos and family events. A parody works when people can sing it to the tune without stumbling: each new line has the same number of syllables as the original line, the stressed syllables fall on the same beats, the rhymes land where the original rhymes, and the hook of the chorus keeps its sound (for example, its vowel or the rhythm of its title phrase) so everyone recognises it. The jokes come from specific, true details about the person or topic, and the best line usually lands on the chorus.
Topic: [TOPIC]
Tune: [SONG]
1. Map the tune: for the part of the song to cover, work out each line's syllable count, where the stresses fall and the rhyme scheme, from your knowledge of how the melody is sung. Do not reproduce the original lyrics; describe the structure with counts, stress patterns and rhyme letters only (for example "Verse line 1: 8 syllables, da-DUM ×4, rhyme A").
2. Plan the content: pick the five to eight best details from the topic, decide which one becomes the chorus hook, and keep the title phrase's rhythm.
3. Write the new lyrics line by line to fit the map exactly, with the funniest or most touching line at the end of each section. Keep it singable: no tongue-twisters, and open vowels on long held notes.
4. Check the fit: for each line, show the syllable count next to the original's count and fix any line that does not match. Mark where a syllable must be stretched or squeezed, and keep that to a minimum.
5. Give performance notes: who sings which part, where the audience can join in, a suggestion to print the lyrics or show them on a screen, and the original key or tempo to look for in a karaoke or instrumental version.
- Do not reproduce the original song's lyrics beyond its title. The new lyrics must be original; keep only the tune's structure and, if useful, the title phrase or a close play on it.
- Use only facts from the topic. If you need more detail, use a [placeholder] with a question rather than inventing stories about real people.
- Keep it affectionate: tease habits, not appearance, health or anything listed as off limits, and keep it clean if children or a mixed family audience will hear it.
- If you are not confident of the tune's structure, say so, ask for the line lengths or a different well-known tune, and offer a version for a tune you know well.
- Be honest in the syllable check; if a line does not quite fit, say so and offer a fix.
## The song
Section labels ([Verse 1], [Chorus], …), lyrics line by line.
## Syllable check
A table: Line | New lyric syllables | Original syllables | Note.
## Performance notes
````